i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
the day after is always just damage control
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
