He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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