im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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