Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
