It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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