Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
