sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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