All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
