I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
