First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
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