took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
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So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
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There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Shame - the story of my life.
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