I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??