so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
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