Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
People in love make me want to vomit
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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