i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
