fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
