Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
