I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I understand Curling. That high.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
