for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
