Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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