i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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