Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls