good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
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I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
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I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.