she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
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He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
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No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.