Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
