A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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