Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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