Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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