OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
