i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Randomize
