remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
