I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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