you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You left your phone here
Wait...
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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