I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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