I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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