sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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