You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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