Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
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Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
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OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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