gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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