you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
