So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
