you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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