I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
