My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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