I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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