so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
