It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
