I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
