I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
