Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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