Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
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then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
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Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize