I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
