im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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