Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
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Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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