apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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