Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
