I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
