Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
