he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
