How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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